Hello critters!
I'm a big Disney fan, so naturally I caved and got Disney + and honestly I ain't mad about it. On a whim, I thought I'd watch all three Descendants movies back-to-back-to-back. Disney Channel basically thought "what if we used all the lore from the mother ship and applied our true and tested grand theatrics and good sentiment?" and made it work. It’s sweet and cliché and a bit ridiculous, but still fairly modern. It's a prime example of the classic over-the-top DCOM. Though not entirely captivated through it all, I did enjoy myself and the shenanigans of the kids.
Quick summary before we jump in, and disclaimer that this whole thread contains spoilers:
The princesses and heroes of our beloved Disney movies all got their happy ending. Then Beast decided for some reason that they would be better off if they united their kingdoms and that he should rule them all. The villains (who weren’t all annihilated at the end of their story in this parallel universe) were gathered up and secluded on an island off the cost of Auradon (the new name of the united kingdoms), the Isle of the Lost. Years have passed and villains have produced some charming offspring. Beast and Belle have a teenage son who is soon to be crowned king (more on that later) and his big first project is to welcome on the continent a cherry-picked handful of children of the adults’ sworn enemies so they can have a chance at a normal life. What could go wrong? Maleficent wants her daughter, Mal, to steal the Fairy Godmother’s wand in order to regain her powers and get her revenge. Hijinks ensue. Mal uses magic to make Prince Ben fall in love with her, but he falls in love for real. As she and the other three get to know the teens that they’ve met at Auradon Prep, Mal starts to feel (oh god what is that feeling? could it be…) remorse, and in a brilliant display of willpower, she defies her mother and saves Auradon.
Mal gets to date to Ben, now king, and have a taste of all the perks and other inconveniences that go with it. She has an identity crisis and returns to the Isle of the Lost where she feels more herself. Her bae and friends go after her to bring her back, but King Ben manages to get himself kidnapped instead by Uma, daughter of Ursula, and her crew of pirates. She also wants a piece of the freedom cake. A few tricks later, everyone’s on a boat for the Cotillion Ball that Mal dreaded. Uma shows up, boom, drama. It’s Blue Octopus vs Purple Dragon, which for all intents and purposes is won by Mal who finally realizes that she can be both good and bad. Everybody wins, everybody dances.
Now, Mal & Co. want to bring more Villain Kids to Auradon Prep since the first experiment was such a success. But a bad move from Hades puts the safety of all the good people of Auradon at risk. The barrier must be closed *whispers* forever. That’s not counting on Audrey, daughter of Sleeping Beauty and ex-girlfriend of Ben that he dumped in favour of Mal, who is green with envy now that Mal is to become Ben’s queen (more on that later) and decides to turn bad. One magical sceptre and outfit change later, Audrey is wreaking havoc on Auradon. The fantastic four have no choice but to retrieve another magical object from Hades, Mal’s secret daddy dearest. Uma and her pirates join the band. A few sword fights, bonding moments and disappointing betrayals later, it is down to Mal who's on her own (or almost) to bring down Audrey. Victory! But she won’t wake up. The good guys have no choice but to turn to Hades for help. No one crosses anyone, no backstabbing or desperate attempt to overthrow the king. Everybody’s happy, barrier is taken down for good, everybody dances (again).
Now, here are some thoughts. Let’s start with the first movie.
Why on earth is Ben, a sixteen year-old child, being crowned king when both his parents are alive and well and still young enough to be able to rule for many more years? Who made that rule? Was Beast just too tired of being king and thought to himself one day: “You know what would be a good idea? Putting a kid with no experience whatsoever in charge of the whole kingdom. Yeah, that’d be great! There’s no way that could go wrong.” That makes no sense! He is A CHILD! Being admitted on the royal council to learn the ropes of ruling would have been a much more appropriate decision. And Ben would still have been able to submit his project for approval, with a proper presentation to logically demonstrate why his idea is a good one. Boom, the Villain Kids still get to come to Auradon Prep.
Now, if we don’t have the coronation to attend at the end of the movie, we can still have some kind of big celebration where the Fairy Godmother gets to use her wand. Let’s see…
Ben gets sworn in as prince and heir to the throne. They did something similar on Merlin and I thought it worked rather well. It could signify that Ben is becoming a man and is going to learn how to rule to ensure both a smooth transition when Beast retires and that he’s not thrown into this mess without any prior training.
Belle and Beast renew their vows, less dramatic and focused on the children but still important enough to get blessed by Fairy Godmother.
Ben has an older sister who can’t inherit the throne because of some sexist bullshit and is betrothed to a prince from another kingdom so that the bond between Auradon and said other kingdom can be strengthened through marriage. Again, Fairy Godmother is required to bless their union with her wand.
I guess I’d go with option A since it remains more centered on the children.
I honestly don’t get why Beast and Belle are putting their royal burden on Ben’s shoulders, but aside from that, they do try to be understanding and open-minded so they get brownie points for trying to be good parents in that regard.
Jane’s hair wasn’t that bad. Sure the loose curls are pretty and all, but the bob wasn’t that bad, and she wasn’t so unpretty. I do get how not looking as conventionally attractive as the other girls would make her feel left out, but honestly honey, it’s not your appearance that’s off-putting, it’s your personality. So uptight yet so people-pleasing, I wonder where she could have gotten so much anxiety from. *cough cough* her goddamn mother *cough cough* (Just in case, Jane's mother is Fairy Godmother, who got a suspicious rejuvenating treatment by the way.) Lonnie’s hair on the other hand was terrible. Terrible wig that was terribly cut. The hair makeover was necessary.
All the usual character development, channeling your strength and energy for good instead of evil, blah blah blah we get it. It is nice to see some diversity in the cast though. The main cast isn’t all white, and there are even some extras in the students of Auradon Prep that are in wheelchairs. There’s still a long way to go, but this is progress.
Parents being bad with technology, at least that’s realistic. *looks into the camera at all the parents who don’t know how to hold a phone properly during a video call*
Getting a Kristin Chenoweth performance is always a treat. Most of the songs are pretty upbeat and modern (and cliché), it was nice to have a Broadway-type number that was whimsical and punny. Chenoweth just knows how to give it the perfect intonation and rhythm to make it sound exactly right and convey the meaning, that’s how you recognize legends.
Sidenore, why the hell did Beast keep this name? We all know his name from before the curse is Adam, why didn’t he change back? Does Belle have some sort of kink?...
Moving on to the second movie.
I didn’t know Anna Cathcart was in it. I squealed “Kitty” when she appeared on my screen. I was so happy she was there. That kid has great comic timing and facial expressions.
Speaking of which, has nobody ever heard of subtlety? The acting is so over-the-top, it is sometimes embarrassing. I understand that deep shock and utter despair need to be visually communicated to the young audience but come on, give kids some credit, they understand more than you think. Calm down people.
Dizzy’s hair salon is great but why does she dye Mal’s long hair before cutting it? And the color that she puts first is so vibrant, why does Mal end up with such a washed-out result? And why does she put her hair in rollers to have it straight in the end? Brad Mondo would scream. I wasn’t a big fan of Mal’s hair in this movie.
Evie design bomb-ass dresses and she is absolutely right for turning it into a thriving business. I’m glad that she gets to use her talent to support herself and has a boyfriend who supports her dreams. Brownie points for Doug for encouraging her to seek financial independence to fulfill her dream of buying her own property. We love a girl with ambition! Evie stands up for what she believes is right, she is fierce and vocal, but that doesn't mean she isn't sensitive and vulnerable as well. I think that's why she's my favorite character. The fact that Sofia Carson performs on heels is also a factor. Like, she has to dance well, and fast, and in synch, while in high heels, that's pretty damn impressive. Kudos to Dove Cameron for that too.
China Anne McClain is a queen. Her powerhouse voice is everything. (A.N.T Farm soundtrack anyone?) Carson and Cameron sing well too, but they're a bit too nasal for me (might be auto-tuned because it sells better). I'm glad McClain gets to show her fantastic singing abilities and shine. Uma isn't bitter just because she's jealous of Mal, she's acting like a true captain and looking out for her crew. Why shouldn't they deserve a chance too? They are pirates because they had to learn how to survive on this "ruthless" island. But that doesn't mean they're less good, less worthy. Why should they suffer for the actions of their parents and be denied the same resources as the other kids? For someone who benefited from affirmative action, I find Mal pretty close-minded and hypocritical when it comes to understanding Uma's motives.
I'm not the biggest fan of Mal in general but I do feel bad for her. She didn't ask to be put in the spotlight at 16 for the whole kingdom to judge her. I totally respect her choice to go back to the Isle for some damn peace and quiet. Just because she's the king's girlfriend (still not ok with a child being king when there's no reason for him to be) doesn't mean she doesn't deserve some privacy and respect. They're putting all this pressure on her without even asking if she has the emotional capacity to handle it all. Same for Ben to be honest. Just because you’re in the public eye doesn’t mean you owe everybody else your time all the time. Poor things. Poor unfortunate souls.
The way Jay doesn’t question the fact that a girl was as good with a sword as he was (or even better) was really cool. Making her the captain of the team, simultaneously respecting the rule book and proving Chad (and all the Chads in the world) that his backward way of thinking has no place here, was a genius move.
Another Jay note, I find his brotherly type of relationship with Mal absolutely adorable. In all three films, you can tell they are close and that the well-being of the other is important to them. They also are physically close, with hugs and stuff, but that’s never shown as anything romantic. I find that refreshing to show that (straight) boys and girls can be friends and affectionate towards one another with no ulterior motive. There’s no so-called friend zone (that thing doesn’t exist anyway), they are simply friends who can rely on one another for emotional support in the good and the bad times.
I have nothing against Jane, I just really would rather have had Carlos be gay.
I knew there was something fishy (pun intended) when Ben arrived at the Cotillion Ball and looked nervous around Mal. Uma looked awesome though, and if Mal hadn’t been so suspicious of Uma from the start (not for entirely good reasons), the barrier problem could have been resolved then and there. But then Mal wouldn’t have found out that she could turn into a dragon when she had to save her friends from the sea witch’s tentacles, and she wouldn’t have had realized that she’s the best of both worlds. Boohoo.
To no one’s surprise, let’s finish with the third movie.
Dizzy got her acceptance letter at the end of the second movie, therefore she should already be enrolled at Auradon Prep instead of waiting to be chosen on the Isle of the Lost. We could have had another Villain Kid join the gang. But instead we got a plot hole. Evie’s insistence on getting Dizzy to come to Auradon was a pretty important plot point to her storyline in the second movie, why would they act like that hadn’t already happened. They basically contradict themselves and I’m not here for it. I want consistency! The people deserve consistency!
We move on to the marriage proposal. Just plain no. They are 17 at best, they are not fully formed adults yet, they are not adults yet period, marriage should not even be something on their mind. They’re still in school for crying out loud! I know it’s Disney, and true love’s kiss, blah blah blah. No. The same as you can’t marry a man you just met, you can’t get married if you’re still a child. Explore your relationship by all means, but wait to be mature enough to make that big of a commitment to another human being. (I’m not saying getting married young is decidedly wrong, just that it should be a decision carefully considered and thought about, not something to be rushed like Ben and Mal.) Just one movie ago Mal was still figuring out who she was. How the hell do you know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone if you don’t even know who you are for sure? But then again, this kingdom just trusts teenagers to make sound decisions and roll with it no problem (except yes problems, always) so it is ridiculous but on brand.
Sarah Jeffery really worked hard on that evil laugh. Audrey is still acting like a petulant child with too much power. I blame the granny on this one. When you put so much pressure on a kid to act perfect and go above and beyond to achieve your dreams (not theirs mind you, only yours), there’s bound to be trouble. “You should have been queen, how could you let this happen?” Because all parties involved are humans with an agenda of their own, you can’t just manipulate people and bend them to your will just because it pleases you or because you *air quotes* want what’s best for them. So yes Audrey went a little far but if Granny hadn’t pushed her so much, maybe she wouldn’t have been driven over the edge and become an antagonist.
One positive note on Audrey’s turn to the dark side, her outfit and wig were fire. The whole wig department for the girls on this movie truly outdid themselves. Mal’s galaxy hair color was phenomenal. Evie’s blue hair blended more naturally with the black at the roots. Uma’s turquoise hairstyle was ravishing and stylish. Yes to all the beautiful colors! Yes to all the hair!
I was here for the bromance between Jay and Gil. Yes, go be explorers together! Go channel your curiosity and brute strength travelling the world, finding treasures, having fun, and building cabins where you can cuddle under a blanket at the end of the day. (Let's turn this into a full-blown romance!)
Hades is so extra, I was so here for that. That number between him and Mal was peak god of death extravaganza. Who doesn’t love a good Cheyenne Jackson apparition? It’s no wonder Mal is shown to be a talented singer, she is the product of two formidable voices.
I have to say though, Mal's friends and enemies-turned-allies were right to be angry at her when she declared she had lied to them. Just a thought here: instead of coming clean, she could have just shut her mouth and then have a discussion with Ben, Belle and Beast about whether or not shutting the barrier down forever was actually a good idea. No one would have ever known that she had thought that was the right choice (when it clearly wasn’t, yay Ben for trying to stand your ground and stick to your gut) and they could have kept on working together to bring Audrey down. No one’s feelings would have been hurt and no one’s hard-earned trust would have been betrayed. Everybody happy. “But we wouldn’t have had Mal singing her pain and insecurity in a melodramatic way,” you cry. Boo-f*cking-hoo. But then again she is the product of two drama queens so there’s no escaping it really.
In the end, everyone’s happy and reunited in a big dance number that must have been a bitch to block and rehearse.
All in all, the Descendants movies are definitely on the too-much side but fun to watch if you like Disney fanfiction (bonus points if you do a drinking game to it), and interestingly have some feminist vibes. They’re not perfect but they’re not entirely terrible either. So, in conclusion, you should not be watching them sober but you should give it a try.
Fried calamari and rose bouquets 🌹
Nicky 🦊
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